For many years, the magic of the holidays was something I practically drew life force from, making it my most favourite time of year.  Anything that could be decorated would be adorned with some form of Yuletide cheer. Christmas songs would not only emanate from my radio, but also from my mobile phone as a ringer and for the final month of the year my disposition would be so super bright, peppy and cheerful, it would be as if I could mystically transform anything Scrooge- or Grinch-like into the most ideal vision of the Season with a simple wiggle of my nose!  I was like Glinda the Good Witch on steroids.  I couldn’t help myself!  To me, this time of year was always so beautiful, magical and most of all, romantic. Yes. I was that gay!

Could the reality of still being single in my 30’s have finally caught up with me?  Was I slowly losing my sense of romance with every day that passed, while I was without a partner?  Did I actually become… cynical?

Those closest to me weren’t as surprised as I thought they would be when I mentioned my new opinion on this time of year.  Apparently, my still being single, and the effects it was having on me, were topics of conversation I brought up more times than I seem to be willing to admit.  In fact, one of my best friends expressed great joy and relief when I told him about someone I had met, with whom I was finding a great connection.  He told me he was really starting to worry about me.  I didn’t think much of the comment, until I noticed my own diminished excitement for the season.  Particularly after this potential new romance mysteriously fizzled out after what seemed, to me at least, a promising “development,” so to speak.

And now that the Christmas season has, well… wrapped, the holidays are still far from over!  The countdown to New Year’s has begun, which now means a frenzied search for who’s lips we’ll be kissing when that ball drops!  And if you don’t have anyone to kiss at midnight, you’re spending that week after Christmas convincing yourself that you’re okay with that!  Now, I’m not trying to take anything away from the romance and sentiment that is part of the magic of New Year’s.  The very act of one year coming to a close, making way for a fresh, new year, is magical on a very intrinsic level, I think.  It’s a time for renewal, and reinvention.  The chance to begin the next stage of our journey toward attaining & achieving everything we’ve always dreamed of.  And with that thought, everything suddenly came into focus for me, and why I was feeling the way I had been.

Looking back at 2009, it was a year of struggle and rediscovery for me.  Just considering sex, love & dating, this past year was wrought with both tremendous joy & frustrating obstacles.  I began the year with a determination to spread my dating wings in an effort to get closer to finding my next partner, without compromising the integrity of my life as it was currently evolving.  Compromise became a 4-letter word, and not because I had a disregard for the thoughts and feelings of my potential partner, but more so due to the discovery that I actually had a much clearer idea of who I want to be with.

First off, I have said on many occasions that I’m not looking to “settle down” but rather, I’m looking to “partner up”!  I know it could just be semantic, but quite frankly, “settling down” just isn’t something that my life or personality can comprehend.  Nor do I think I ever want to!  I’m the kind of person who wants to live life, not let life live me.  And the person I will come to share a love with has to have a similar outlook.  In short, I want someone whose life “meshes well” with mine!  But after that determination was set in place last January, was when the frustration really began.  I found myself being faced with problems and issues that I thought I had long overcome many years ago during my last search for my One & Only.  As it turned out, while the dating scene really hadn’t changed that much in the seven years I was happily married, I had become a completely evolved person facing the world with fresh eyes and a newborn sense of insecurity.  Essentially, I had to rediscover & re-learn everything I had already known as it related to dating, love & relationships, but through the heart & mind of who I am now.

So when December finally arrived, and the love & romance that once powered my very spirit seemed lacking, I came to realize that I have not turned cynical.  Thank goodness!  Indeed, my energies were merely focused on gearing up for the birth of 2010 and the new adventures in sex, love & dating to come!  Consternation caused by irrational insecurity was finally mitigated.  The fog which had surreptitiously obscured my path finally cleared, and I am now able to forge forward with the alacrity for which I am known, but in a newly inspired way!

So, now, as I count down to midnight with my closest friends on New Year’s Eve, I am elated to know that I am still the hopeful romantic I’ve always known myself to be!  I’ve just been “pimped!”

Happy New Year, everyone.  And with the empowering knowledge that 2010 will be chock full of new adventures in romance, I pray that all your New Year’s dreams come true, too!  Oh, and by the way, I just met someone who just might be my New Year’s kiss!  I’ll let you know how it turns out!

- martin free ramos

Martin Free Ramos writes A CUB AMONGST ANGELS - Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic. Martin is a Filipino/Spanish/Sicilian Buddhist, born & raised in Hong Kong and now nested in the City of Angels. A former West Hollywood, club-kid twink, he emerged from a seven-year marriage stage a bear-identified Asian in an oft Caucasio-centric community. Free is a bear ‘activist’ regularly working, playing & living in the community. He continues to navigate through life as a sexually active, healthy man, living with HIV.  Martin's a passionate new edition to our tribe...and we couldn't be happier. Welcome, babe!